Tuesday, July 22, 2008

run for your life.

in 1989 some television producer looked at his fellowmen and, i am assuming, said something to the effect of, "the cold war is ending. i am proud to be an american. so proud in fact that i would like to create a network television show in which star and stripe-adorned musclemen and musclewomen provoke sheer terror in their homeland compatriots through a series of completely impossible obstacles."

i imagine there was clapping and nodding of heads. and so there was American Gladiators.

american gladiators wasn't your seabiscuit, james braddock, million dollar baby, or we are marshall-type underdog story. in fact, 9 times out of 10 the underdog gets pummeled. which is the best. which also makes the show truly american.

there are strategies though. one of which is, holy shit RUN. another of which is, when you're on the rings, do NOT let the gladiator wrap his legs around your waist. DO NOT.

other strategies include: don't ever pause to look for your next grip on the rock wall. don't even bother to take time and shoot during assault. and finally, lay down and refuse to participate when its time to play pyramid.

here is the best video ever from american gladiators. brewskies and babes huh malibu? i commend you.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

good thinking.

the christian website OneNewsNow, after deciding that the word "gay" was a little too scandalous, created an automated program to replace all instances of the "g" word with the far more antiseptic "homosexual."

while the obvious plan of attack in this modernized world of technology, the computer program still unfortunately fell short in its recent handling of the Associated Press story about Olympic runner Tyson Gay.

as printed on the OneNewsNow website:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

he didn't think he had it in him? i think you did Tyson Homosexual, i think you did.