Sunday, March 30, 2008
ninja warrior is the american broadcast version of the japanese tv show sasuke. it features 4 incredible obstacle courses that defy all reason. my family once went to a dude ranch and i was forced to compete in what i thought was the most grueling obstacle course of all time. i had to crawl through sand, run through waist high water with arguably high currents, blow up an inner tube (good because i had exercise-induced asthma), and then at the end eat a packet of tartar sauce (which i promptly threw up at the finish line). anyway, that experience was like sitting on a hammock made of kitten fur compared to the ferociousness that is ninja warrior.
ninja warrior is also great because if the ridiculous obstacles don't ruin you, the razor-tongue of the japanese wit will. every mention of your appearance, day job, hobbies, etc. will be used to ridicule you. you should not be fat if you go on ninja warrior. srrsly, here is your warning. dont be fat and go on ninja warrior.
go go go! should you make it through these walls angled at 45 degrees you've only got 5 or 6 more obstacles to go, including a giant rolling log you must cling to (be careful it drops at random points to jar you).
apparently out of every 100 competitors in the first round, 85 are ELIMINATED. there are usually only one or two people who actually make it to the final round every year.
so insane. this is how international diplomacy should be practiced. whoever can get their ass to the finish line of ninja warrior obviously deserves global domination.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
the world's strongest man is an annual competition which involves lifting ridiculously heavy things in an effort to prove that you are the best at lifting ridiculously heavy things. sometimes these heavy things are subcompact cars outfitted around you like a super sweet halloween costume. sometimes these heavy things are boulders, monster truck tires, or steel chains with links bigger than that subcompact car you had to carry earlier.
there can only be one strongest man. if you are not him, then it means you are not strong. it means you are a wimp. it means you should wallow in shame.
for the one strongest you will be rewarded handsomely, with the largest and most masculine of feather-adorned headdresses.
but for the others, only shame-wallowing.
if you have to have 75 tons of garbage removed from your home on national television, then you are obviously doing something wrong. that "something" being the fact that YOU HAVE 75 TONS OF GARBAGE IN YOUR HOUSE.
"hoarders" sharyn and marvin had collected 35 years of "stuff" in their 3,000 foot home, mostly due to sharyn being a "shopoholic" and the fact that when she bought something she would lose it in 75 TONS OF GARBAGE and thus just go buy something else to replace it.
so oprah's crew came in and cleaned everything out, including 35 years of financial documents that marvin insisted on sitting and shredding piece by piece in one of those mini shredders that can handle literally one piece of ultra-soft kleenex at a time. after hours and hours of this, oprah's crew promised to have everything commercially shredded.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
when i was in junior high i won the 7th grade spelling bee and made it to the all-school competition. after making it to the final 5 i got the word "exhausted." the good news was i knew how to spell exhausted. the bad news was that when i went to spell exhausted i said "E - A- ah, i mean X..." i don't know what possessed me to pronounce the letter X as an A, but that blunder will forever haunt me.
the scripps national spelling bee is a true test of american athleticism.
it is also a test of endurance. how many months will you study for? how many hours? how many languages will you conquer the rules of? and will these months and hours and languages lead to an endless replay in your mind of that moment on national television, espn nonetheless, of you spelling "appoggiatura" wrong? for some, it will.
one of my few claims to fame in life is knowing the scripps 1999 spelling bee champ nupur lala (yes, of spellbound fame). i even hung out in her dorm room. i had been trying to track her down on campus for months, and when i finally met her i acted as though i was completely unaware that she was super super famous. i found out later that my friend who had introduced us had told her beforehand that i was arguably obsessed with her. nupur won on the word "logorrhea" which is a tough word, but not that tough if you know how to spell the gross word that rhymes with it.
last year's winner of the spelling bee, evan o'dorney, was a big jerk on cnn. i don't blame him. if i was the winner of the national spelling bee i would be a jerk to everyone too.
Monday, March 24, 2008
super mario brothers for nes is one of the hardest video games ever. i don't really care what those people say who can beat it in 11 minutes. very few lives, no tanooki suits, and constant trickery that makes you believe that THIS time you've really saved the princess = hard.
it is easy to do a lot of stuff "wrong" in super mario brothers. that's why it's so hard. the most notorious mistakes are made when confronting the king of the koopas himself, bowser.
you might think, "oh! a floating platform. i must jump on that and over bowser!" or "oh! a bunch of blocks! i must jump on them and then over bowser!" NO. don't jump over bowser. i mean you can jump over bowser, but DON'T.
pls, for the love of god, run under bowser.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
the sinking of the titanic is one of the most remarkable cases of "doing it wrong." how the design of the titanic's watertight compartments made sense to the ship's constructors is beyond me. these 16 compartments in the bottom of the ship's hull were to hold water in them and keep the ship afloat even if two compartments became completely full.
yet NONE of the compartments were closed off on top. i remember watching a documentary about the titanic when i was in 4th grade and they said that the titanic's hull was essentially an ice cube tray. what happens when you start to fill one end of an ice cube tray? the water spills over and over into each compartment of the tray until all are full.
and then the unsinkable ship sinks. titanic designers...
Saturday, March 22, 2008
a fire station in australia "built wrong way round" is a $2 million dollar blunder that forces firetrucks to maneuver a dangerous route out the back door rather than the front.
"Imagine a 20-tonne truck doing a dog-leg on ice at 2am while responding to an emergency...they are going to slide straight out into the back fence."
a patron of the Hot Lap Dance Club is suing after a lap dance gone wrong. according to the lawsuit, the dancer giving the lap dance swung around and hit the patron with the heel of her shoe, causing "serious injuries."
marketing for the film "untraceable" went a little wrong after an actor was shown on a video messaging community being kidnapped and tortured, leading one site moderator to call the police. similar publicity stunts were pulled from the social-networking site thefacebook.com.
Friday, March 21, 2008
well boyfriend who let his girlfriend lock herself in a bathroom for two years as well as sit on a toilet for an obviously too long period of time, looks like...you're doing it wrong.
kory mcfarren, 37, was charged with "mistreatment of a dependent adult" and heads to court in april.
oh hello! welcome to the "you're doing it wrong" blog. if you were looking for lolcats or free ringtone downloads, well, then you're doing it wrong. but if you are looking for funny photos of people/things/animals doing things wrong, well, then you're doing it right.
if you have you're own "you're doing it wrong" photo that you would like us to post, then email it to email@example.com.
i like these other internet places.
- ninja warrior is the american broadcast version of...
- can you carry this for me?
- we're sending you off to hoarding school.
- as explained yesterday, spelling is easy to do wro...
- friend jon submits another great photo. if you'd ...
- now spell me this wiseguy.
- itsa me mario!
- come on now.
- these photos were sent in by bff and coworker jenn...
- keep your eye on the ball.
- you're doing it wrong on this gameshow.
- afhv, you're doing it right.
- whomp whomp.
- oh hello! welcome to the "you're doing it wrong" b...
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