Wednesday, October 15, 2008

womanizer ad rip off.

what do you do when you are post-weight gain britney spears? you photoshop your head on a pre-weight gain tyra banks.

Monday, August 11, 2008

call chris hansen.

'World's Greatest Dad' guilty on sex charge

PONTIAC, Michigan (AP) -- A Michigan man has pleaded guilty to child sex abuse after police said he showed up for sex with someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl. He was dressed in a "World's Greatest Dad" T-shirt.

Thirty-three-year-old Daniel Allen Everett pleaded guilty Thursday in Oakland County Circuit Court to child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.

Sentencing is scheduled for August 21. Messages seeking comment were left for defense attorney Deborah McKelvy.

Authorities have not confirmed whether Everett has children.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

run for your life.

in 1989 some television producer looked at his fellowmen and, i am assuming, said something to the effect of, "the cold war is ending. i am proud to be an american. so proud in fact that i would like to create a network television show in which star and stripe-adorned musclemen and musclewomen provoke sheer terror in their homeland compatriots through a series of completely impossible obstacles."

i imagine there was clapping and nodding of heads. and so there was American Gladiators.

american gladiators wasn't your seabiscuit, james braddock, million dollar baby, or we are marshall-type underdog story. in fact, 9 times out of 10 the underdog gets pummeled. which is the best. which also makes the show truly american.

there are strategies though. one of which is, holy shit RUN. another of which is, when you're on the rings, do NOT let the gladiator wrap his legs around your waist. DO NOT.

other strategies include: don't ever pause to look for your next grip on the rock wall. don't even bother to take time and shoot during assault. and finally, lay down and refuse to participate when its time to play pyramid.

here is the best video ever from american gladiators. brewskies and babes huh malibu? i commend you.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

good thinking.

the christian website OneNewsNow, after deciding that the word "gay" was a little too scandalous, created an automated program to replace all instances of the "g" word with the far more antiseptic "homosexual."

while the obvious plan of attack in this modernized world of technology, the computer program still unfortunately fell short in its recent handling of the Associated Press story about Olympic runner Tyson Gay.

as printed on the OneNewsNow website:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

he didn't think he had it in him? i think you did Tyson Homosexual, i think you did.

Monday, June 30, 2008

at least you got a positive feedback rating out of it.

Check out all the goods at the ebay listing here...look at that hot tub!

Man auctions life, but disappointed at bid price

PERTH, Australia (AP) — A man who auctioned his life — his house, his car, his job, even his friends — on eBay said Monday he is disappointed with the selling price: almost $384,000.

Ian Usher, a British immigrant to Australia, put everything he owned as well as introductions to his friends on the online auction site after a painful breakup with his wife prompted him to want a fresh start.

Bidding closed Sunday and reached nearly $384,000 — an amount Usher said his house in the western city of Perth was worth on its own.

"I guess I'm a little bit disappointed at the final price, I'd hoped it to be a little higher than that," Usher told Nine Network television on Monday. "But I am committed to selling and moving on and making a fresh start."

He declined to reveal the buyer's identity, or what his next step would be.

Usher said he had hoped to get at least $480,000 (a half-million Australian dollars) for his life — his house and all its contents, car and a motorcycle, a jet ski, skydiving gear, an introduction to friends and a trial period in his sales job — but that the final result was enough for him to make a new start in life.

Friday, June 27, 2008

you need more iron in your diet.

it burns when i.

i understand that it's hard to name things these days. i assume that most names are taken, kind of like how all the best domain names are. regardless though, i feel like maybe there would have been a way to have avoided naming your automotive institute UTI.

and not only is your name UTI, but then when you do something nice like start a scholarship foundation it has to be called The UTI Foundation, which, to be fair, can result in all sorts of confusion for potential applicants.

"The UTI Foundation, which recently completed its formation period, anticipates awarding approximately $1 million in 2008 to financially assist students pursuing technical training programs at any of UTI’s 10 campuses nationwide."

i wonder what you need to qualify for a scholarship from The UTI Foundation. whatever it is, i'm sure it can be cleared up in a few days by drinking copious amounts of cranberry juice.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

real life wrong.

because it is super sunny outside my dad bought an umbrella to put over our patio furniture. the thing about umbrellas is that they need some sort of base or stand, which my dad somehow overlooked the necessity of.

along with a new umbrella, we also own a pool. the pool was getting really warm in the sun so it asked the wind to kindly pass it an umbrella. and so the wind did. and then my dad had no shade.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

time to make the donuts.

Scarf ad has holes in it

29 May 2008
MX (Brisbane)


The Dunkin' Donuts chain has pulled an online advertisement featuring celebrity chef Rachael Ray, after critics argued a scarf she wore in the ad offers symbolic support for terrorism.

Dunkin' Donuts said it pulled the ad in the US over the weekend because of what it calls a ``misperception'' about the scarf that detracted from its original intent.

Critics complained that the scarf appeared to be traditional garb worn by Arab men. The ad's critics say such scarves have come to symbolise Muslim extremism and terrorism.

The chain says no symbolism was intended.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

in the real world we wear clothes.

season 20 of mtv's "the real world" is set in hollywood and features a stripper, a muscle man who punches an exercise bag until he bleeds, a mean black guy, a nice black guy, and some other people who could be replaced each episode with a completely different person and i wouldn't even notice. anyway, brianna is the aforementioned stripper and source of pure reality tv gold.

this week brianna had to go to court to deal with some assault charges she had evaded arrest for in the past. this is what she chose to wear.

going to court? i'm more or less certain that you're doing it wrong.

i mean, to be fair, maybe the sweater is cashmere. although last time i checked, they didn't sell cashmere at wet seal.

last week brianna met a guy named jo jo. although his friends kindly called him ho ho. jo jo is like an even uglier kevin federline, and has fame that only extends to being on one episode of the real world.

but alas, ho ho totally burned brianna, giving her the ultimate no no, and making her look like a dodo.

here is a photo of jo jo from his myspace profile, which you can look at here.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

well thats embarassing.

so you want to sell a table on ebay. easy enough. all you have to do is take a photo of said table, write a little description, and you're off to the races.

oh wait! NAKED MAN IN THE're doing it wrong!

Saturday, April 26, 2008


dear mr. cakemaker, YOU'RE DOING IT SO WRONG.

here is how the conversation went when this cake was ordered:

cakemaker dummy: "ok and what do you want it to say on the cake?"
cake wanter: "'best wishes suzanne', underneath that 'we will miss you'."
cakemaker dummy: ok got it.

umm what?

Monday, April 21, 2008

if i fall you are going down with me.

i am convinced that there is no right way to roller skate. strapping boots with wheels on the bottom of them in order to shuffle around on either a highly slick rink floor or treacherous concrete sidewalk is inherently foolish. unless you are this robot. then you will be totally sweet.

should you fall, you are doing it wrong. and you get hurt. should you not fall, you are still doing it wrong, because chances are you are wearing knee pads and wrists guards (see ultra nerdom).

Monday, April 14, 2008

ghost ride the whip.

sometimes it is cool to street race your suped up honda. sometimes it is cool to lower the suspension on your truck so that it can't even go over some driveway curbs. and sometimes it is cool to climb out of your moving vehicle and commandeer that ship from the hood or roof. sometimes it's cool. most of the time it is pretty lame.

sorry. i just think that the only person who should be ghost riding anything is ghost rider himself (nicholas cage version only).

this is the best video of ghost riding the wrong way. if i had to guess, i think what went wrong has something to do with the speed the truck is moving...

Thursday, April 3, 2008

better buy some axles.

when i was young and played the now infamous "oregon trail" on a computer smaller than my cat, i never did make it to oregon. not once. the problem was that i didn't know what wagon axles were so i figured i didn't need them.

one of the most common mistakes in oregon trail happens whilst hunting. and by "one of the most common mistakes" i mean "three of the most common mistakes." sure, you can use 96 bullets trying to mow down the fastest rabbits (and squirrels) in the west. you can even use the classic spin in a circle move in which you shoot bullets in every direction. nice one, because now you are out of bullets and you will starve in four days. other mistakes include wasting bullets on 18 buffalo and only being able to carry 200lbs. of meat back with you. my other classic faux pas (outside of wagon axles) was not buying food and believing i could survive on the trail by hunting. WRONG.

you better pay that toll. i'm not kidding. floating, forging, rafting...all bad news.

yep. told ya so.

told ya so again.

dysentery, thieves in the night, starvation, drownings, BROKEN WAGON AXLES, thirsty oxen, inclement weather...the list goes on and on. the trail is a rough one my friend. it shows no mercy. type in the names of people you like the least in your life and maybe it will make the trail a little bit easier. happy travelin'.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

i'm so scared.

the nineties were cute and adorable because to the less intelligent beings of yesteryear dangerous drugs included caffeine pills. you might think that with the help of caffeine pills you can put on a unitard and rehearse a little ditty to the Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited" AND work your ass off to get into STANFORD at the same time. saved by the bell taught us otherwise.

jesse no!!! each pill contains the amount of caffeine IN ONE CUP OF COFFEE. what are you thinking?!?

that's right...SHE WASN'T THINKING.

nina the meana.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

ninja warrior is the american broadcast version of the japanese tv show sasuke.  it features 4 incredible obstacle courses that defy all reason.  my family once went to a dude ranch and i was forced to compete in what i thought was the most grueling obstacle course of all time.  i had to crawl through sand, run through waist high water with arguably high currents, blow up an inner tube (good because i had exercise-induced asthma), and then at the end eat a packet of tartar sauce (which i promptly threw up at the finish line).  anyway, that experience was like sitting on a hammock made of kitten fur compared to the ferociousness that is ninja warrior.

ninja warrior is also great because if the ridiculous obstacles don't ruin you, the razor-tongue of the japanese wit will.  every mention of your appearance, day job, hobbies, etc. will be used to ridicule you.  you should not be fat if you go on ninja warrior.  srrsly, here is your warning.  dont be fat and go on ninja warrior.

go go go! should you make it through these walls angled at 45 degrees you've only got 5 or 6 more obstacles to go, including a giant rolling log you must cling to (be careful it drops at random points to jar you).

apparently out of every 100 competitors in the first round, 85 are ELIMINATED.  there are usually only one or two people who actually make it to the final round every year. 

so insane.  this is how international diplomacy should be practiced.  whoever can get their ass to the finish line of ninja warrior obviously deserves global domination.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

can you carry this for me?

the world's strongest man is an annual competition which involves lifting ridiculously heavy things in an effort to prove that you are the best at lifting ridiculously heavy things.  sometimes these heavy things are subcompact cars outfitted around you like a super sweet halloween costume.  sometimes these heavy things are boulders, monster truck tires, or steel chains with links bigger than that subcompact car you had to carry earlier.

there can only be one strongest man.  if you are not him, then it means you are not strong.  it means you are a wimp.  it means you should wallow in shame.

for the one strongest you will be rewarded handsomely, with the largest and most masculine of feather-adorned headdresses.

but for the others, only shame-wallowing.