Wednesday, October 15, 2008

womanizer ad rip off.

what do you do when you are post-weight gain britney spears? you photoshop your head on a pre-weight gain tyra banks.


Monday, August 11, 2008

call chris hansen.

'World's Greatest Dad' guilty on sex charge

PONTIAC, Michigan (AP) -- A Michigan man has pleaded guilty to child sex abuse after police said he showed up for sex with someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl. He was dressed in a "World's Greatest Dad" T-shirt.

Thirty-three-year-old Daniel Allen Everett pleaded guilty Thursday in Oakland County Circuit Court to child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.

Sentencing is scheduled for August 21. Messages seeking comment were left for defense attorney Deborah McKelvy.

Authorities have not confirmed whether Everett has children.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

run for your life.

in 1989 some television producer looked at his fellowmen and, i am assuming, said something to the effect of, "the cold war is ending. i am proud to be an american. so proud in fact that i would like to create a network television show in which star and stripe-adorned musclemen and musclewomen provoke sheer terror in their homeland compatriots through a series of completely impossible obstacles."

i imagine there was clapping and nodding of heads. and so there was American Gladiators.

american gladiators wasn't your seabiscuit, james braddock, million dollar baby, or we are marshall-type underdog story. in fact, 9 times out of 10 the underdog gets pummeled. which is the best. which also makes the show truly american.

there are strategies though. one of which is, holy shit RUN. another of which is, when you're on the rings, do NOT let the gladiator wrap his legs around your waist. DO NOT.



other strategies include: don't ever pause to look for your next grip on the rock wall. don't even bother to take time and shoot during assault. and finally, lay down and refuse to participate when its time to play pyramid.

here is the best video ever from american gladiators. brewskies and babes huh malibu? i commend you.


Saturday, July 12, 2008

good thinking.

the christian website OneNewsNow, after deciding that the word "gay" was a little too scandalous, created an automated program to replace all instances of the "g" word with the far more antiseptic "homosexual."

while the obvious plan of attack in this modernized world of technology, the computer program still unfortunately fell short in its recent handling of the Associated Press story about Olympic runner Tyson Gay.

as printed on the OneNewsNow website:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

he didn't think he had it in him? i think you did Tyson Homosexual, i think you did.

Monday, June 30, 2008

at least you got a positive feedback rating out of it.



Check out all the goods at the ebay listing here...look at that hot tub!

Man auctions life, but disappointed at bid price

PERTH, Australia (AP) — A man who auctioned his life — his house, his car, his job, even his friends — on eBay said Monday he is disappointed with the selling price: almost $384,000.

Ian Usher, a British immigrant to Australia, put everything he owned as well as introductions to his friends on the online auction site after a painful breakup with his wife prompted him to want a fresh start.

Bidding closed Sunday and reached nearly $384,000 — an amount Usher said his house in the western city of Perth was worth on its own.

"I guess I'm a little bit disappointed at the final price, I'd hoped it to be a little higher than that," Usher told Nine Network television on Monday. "But I am committed to selling and moving on and making a fresh start."

He declined to reveal the buyer's identity, or what his next step would be.

Usher said he had hoped to get at least $480,000 (a half-million Australian dollars) for his life — his house and all its contents, car and a motorcycle, a jet ski, skydiving gear, an introduction to friends and a trial period in his sales job — but that the final result was enough for him to make a new start in life.

Friday, June 27, 2008

you need more iron in your diet.

it burns when i.

i understand that it's hard to name things these days. i assume that most names are taken, kind of like how all the best domain names are. regardless though, i feel like maybe there would have been a way to have avoided naming your automotive institute UTI.




and not only is your name UTI, but then when you do something nice like start a scholarship foundation it has to be called The UTI Foundation, which, to be fair, can result in all sorts of confusion for potential applicants.

"The UTI Foundation, which recently completed its formation period, anticipates awarding approximately $1 million in 2008 to financially assist students pursuing technical training programs at any of UTI’s 10 campuses nationwide."

i wonder what you need to qualify for a scholarship from The UTI Foundation. whatever it is, i'm sure it can be cleared up in a few days by drinking copious amounts of cranberry juice.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

real life wrong.

because it is super sunny outside my dad bought an umbrella to put over our patio furniture. the thing about umbrellas is that they need some sort of base or stand, which my dad somehow overlooked the necessity of.

along with a new umbrella, we also own a pool. the pool was getting really warm in the sun so it asked the wind to kindly pass it an umbrella. and so the wind did. and then my dad had no shade.




Thursday, May 29, 2008

time to make the donuts.

Scarf ad has holes in it

29 May 2008
MX (Brisbane)

TERROR HYSTERIA

The Dunkin' Donuts chain has pulled an online advertisement featuring celebrity chef Rachael Ray, after critics argued a scarf she wore in the ad offers symbolic support for terrorism.

Dunkin' Donuts said it pulled the ad in the US over the weekend because of what it calls a ``misperception'' about the scarf that detracted from its original intent.

Critics complained that the scarf appeared to be traditional garb worn by Arab men. The ad's critics say such scarves have come to symbolise Muslim extremism and terrorism.

The chain says no symbolism was intended.